IPSES & Out… “For Now”

(Note: This is the 12th Update on my ongoing “Bladder Cancer & Me” post. I’m now taking a break, but FWIW, all 12 have been compiled at: https://thoughtsoncharacter.com/bladder-cancer-me/ )

Greetings – Well, a month has passed since my last update and I’m settling in for now — cancer has taught me to always add “for now” to diagnoses and plans — to a medical routine of monthly immunotherapy (Opdivo) followed by CT scans every six months. With the next scan not scheduled until January, I’m thinking this will likely be my last update, at least… “for now.” 

(For laughs, I also thought I’d throw in some of my latest random pics.)

Straight up, my life since October has been, aside from our loss of Harrison, the most emotionally taxing experience I have endured in my 71 years. It has changed me substantively in multiple realms. As I think about it, this just might be a good time for an IPSES Check-in. (It’s a Hyde thing. I’ll explain as we go along.) 

I – Intellectual: Once the full ramifications of my bladder surgery and its accompanying urinary diversion dawned on me, I initially cursed myself for not paying closer attention in high school biology class.  Now I find myself on a bit of a crusade to increase understanding, both mine and yours, about health and cancer. In an earlier update, I wrote of the “availability heuristic” factor in people’s perceptions.  On a slightly different tack, people’s all-too-common (and all well-intentioned) reactions to cancer remind the stoked surfer within me of non-surfer’s thoughts on sharks. Before I explain, get these three ratios in your head: 1 in 11.5 Million… 1 in 93… 1 in 2.5. Moving along…

1 in 11.5 Million: Google tells us that these are the odds of being attacked by a shark.  (The odds of actually dying are 1 in 264 Million.) For the sake of perspective, there were a total of 2 U.S. deaths by shark attack in 2023. Another angle: While it would be impossible to know the actual number of the millions of swimmers and waders who have frolicked in the waters of the entire Jersey Shore during the past century, we do know the exact number of fatal shark attacks: 1. (And that was in 1926!)

1 in 93: Meanwhile, we think nothing of getting behind the wheel of our cars several times a day despite the odds of fatality being 1 in 93.  There were some 43,000 U.S. car accident deaths in 2023, or, one every 13 minutes. And those are the behind-the-wheel numbers.  Outside the vehicle, a pedestrian is killed evey 72 minutes in the US. (I looked this up after being hit myself last January while walking both innocently and legally on a Bath crosswalk.)  

1 in 2.5: On the one hand, I totally get why people freak out when they or a loved one are diagnosed with cancer.  On the other, I would argue that such a reaction calls for a requisite amount of curiosity being applied to our individual and collective understanding of cancer. After all, according to the National Cancer institute, 40% of all Americans — Or, 1 in 2.5 — will receive a cancer diagnosis in their lifetime.  For one thing, more knowledge will leave us healthier and better rested. (When I was a prostate cancer patient — 2011-14 — I learned a mantra that helped put me at ease: “More men die with prostate cancer than because of it.”)  It will also bring us closer to a cure.

To put it another way, I will be one with bladder cancer for the rest of my life.  Maybe I will die with it. Maybe I will die because of it. But, regardless of which scenario plays out, my plan is to make the best of things and live my very best life, one with no asterisks.

P – Physical: Last week I played full court hoops for the first time since October. (And, no joke, one of my teammates chided me for passing too much!… Really!!)  I’m routinely walking/running my daily minimum of 10K steps, with many of those days mixed in with 9 holes at Bath GC. My docs have told me they believe that I’ll be able to do pretty much anything I was doing before the surgery but have advised me to dial down the intensity a bit. That’s a challenge, but, hey, cancer or no cancer, it’s probably time.

S – Social: Am I turning into an extrovert?  I’ve long said, “Put me up in front of 500 people and I’m right at home, but drop me in the middle of a social mixer and within minutes I’m eying Laura for permission to leave.”  But something is different now. Yesterday, while walking, I stopped to admire the painting job that a crew is doing with a neighbor’s house. Next thing I know, I’m chatting it up with one of the painters, praising him for his work and thanking him for helping beautify the neighborhhod, not to mention increasing all our property values. Last week, while walking around Bar Harbor with Laura, I found myself on the look-out for tourists taking selfies: “Would you like me to get the two of you together?” I wasn’t doing those kinds of things a year ago.

E – Emotional: The two worst things that have ever happened to me have occurred in the last three years. Perhaps cancer’s greatest gift to me has come in the form of a realization: It’s amazing what you can do (and how you can be) when you accept — make that fully accept — that you really have no other choice.  It also helps that I am fully blown away by the empathy, care, concern, and respect so many of you have shared with me. As I told our students this spring, “I don’t know if I have 10 years or 10 months left, but I’m sleeping better than I ever have and each day is more meaningful than at any other period in my life I can recall.” The “one day at a time” mantra helped me get sober 4 decades ago.  It’s come back around in a big way.

S – Spiritual: Never would have imagined writing this sentence a year ago, but here goes: I am a man of prayer. In the span of seven months, I’ve gone from parsing terms like “atheist” and “agnostic” to setting that dichotomy aside in favor of a dogged pursuit of: Every. Conceivable. Force. I. Might. Recruit. to be in My. Corner. So, out with the obsessing over trying to figure out what I believe. And in with praying — every day, twice a day — in hopes that it might lead me to what I believe.  Rather than asking for a different set of circumstances, I pray for a different set of attitudes and the strength to be a better: husband, (grand)father, teacher, friend, walker, baller, meeter of strangers, guy standing in the supermarket check-out aisle, etc. So far, so good. And it does seem to me that the simple act of saying my prayers aloud to God and myself helps keep me honest during each day. Who knew?

So, there it is.  Just another guy trying to Gulp Life, backed by an awesome family & supportive friends.  #embarrassmentofriches  #gulplife #noasterisks

Onward, Malcolm

PS: During last week’s fam reunion (kids, spouses, and grandkids) on the Jersey Shore, my daughters put me in charge of the grandkids at one point. I pretty much ignored their list of dos & don’ts, preferring to freelance. As you can see, I stumbled on at least one very effective technique.